My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
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Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
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Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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