Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
