I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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