sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
