He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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