Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
