Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
