no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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