We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
