So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
