Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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