Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
