u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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