he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
