You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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