I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The air taste purple.
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