you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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