Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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