I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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