if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
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On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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