I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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