I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
