If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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