That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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