I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
