porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
