I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
