im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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