Just cropdusted the office
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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