Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
