and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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