Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
