I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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