I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
