Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
