Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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