i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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