nut hugger
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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