i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
