this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
