sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
