Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
