Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
