I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
