remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
