How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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