I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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