dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
