$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize