I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I don't deserve a penis
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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