Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
