I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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