Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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