6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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