There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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