Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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