Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
