Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
