please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
sex in a hospital.. check
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
