What did we do last night that was yellow?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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